Best jokes about doctors and patients

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said: “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied: “Just doing what you said, Doc. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said: “I didn’t say that. I said, You’ve got a heart murmur – be careful.”

Q: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?
A: Yes, but only if you aim it well enough.

A man speaks frantically on phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”

– Don’t worry, it will take me only a minute to pull your tooth out.
– And how much will it cost me?
– 100$.
– For a 1 minute job?!
– If you prefer, I can be pulling it out for one hour…

A man went to the doctor.
The doctor examined him and said: “I’m sorry to have to tell you this – but you only have five minutes left to live.”
The man said: “Oh my god! Are you sure there is nothing you can do for me?”
The doctor thought for a moment then replied: “I could boil you an egg!”

A woman gets into a taxi and asks:
– To maternity hospital, please..
After a while she asks the driver:
– Do not drive so fast, please, I’m simply working there.

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, “Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman’s brain as well. It costs $50,000.”
The client asked, “What? How’s that possible?”
The doctor replied, “You see, it’s totally unused.”

– Doc, we have lost our patient.
– What happened?
– He recovered.

Wife returns from the clinics and tells her husband:
– The doctor recommended me to spend one month at the sea, two weeks in the countryside and go for one week abroad. Where will you take me first?
– To another doctor…

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”
“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”
“Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”