I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.
– James H. Boren
Though the doctors treated him, let his blood, and gave him medications to drink, he nevertheless recovered.
― Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
I wondher why ye can always read a doctor’s bill an’ ye niver can read his purscription.
– Finley Peter Dunne
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. So does not having health insurance.
― Joe Hickman, The Mammoth Book of Zingers
Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents.
– Peter Mere Latham
It is not much trouble to doctor sick folks, but to doctor healthy ones is troublesome.
― H. W. Shaw, attributed, Day’s Collacon
America does not have a health care system; what modern medicine has created is an illness maintenance system.
– Morris Hyman
A doctor is a man who writes prescriptions, till the patient either dies or is cured by nature.
John Taylor, attributed, Day’s Collacon
Asthma is a disease that has practically the same symptoms as passion except that with asthma it lasts longer.
– Author Unknown
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
– Erma Bombeck
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
– Joey Adams
Varicose veins are the result of an improper selection of grandparents.
– William Osler
I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
– Groucho Marx
Surgery is the cry of defeat in medicine.
– Martin H. Fischer
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
– Groucho Marx